i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i just made my gag reflex go away.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
