I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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