Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
