3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
