This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
