my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
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I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
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Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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