I am spending my child support on dildos
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
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I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
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You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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