God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
