I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
