Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
