I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
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