I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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