I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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