I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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