Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
how drunk are you?
Several
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
