I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
