Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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