so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize