What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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