You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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