watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
