swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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