im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
