Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
