Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
