considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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