I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
