In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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