What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
