My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize