Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
