Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
