you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
