I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
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