all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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