So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
