if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
