I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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