I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
