i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
