Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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