Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
