i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
