I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
