Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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