Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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