dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
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Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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