Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
