do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
