Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
