You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
