I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
