When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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