Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
