I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
