I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
