You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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