So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
