Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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