is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
