Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
he quoted the bible to break up with me
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
