I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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