so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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