this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
